Essays

Subject: Essays Thu 26 Mar 2009, 7:11 am

Some things are better said.

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CONFESSIONS OF A CHEATING HEART

It's always been like this. The beggining and the end. Coming this far, I realized it's always about how to survive and how to deal with the aftermath. The things that happened, the things yet to come. All of it were just pieces of the puzzle that i've been trying to complete.

I hate the night. I hate it but it's the only time of the day where I can be alone with my mind, my thoughts, my heart. It's the only solitary moment where I can finally admit to myself I'm hurt like a child. When everyone mocks me, judged me for who I am and what I have become, it's the only comfort that calms my weary soul. I can't cry. I hate myself for not being able to do the thing that every ordinary people can do. I'm always waiting for the tears. Waiting endlessly for a sob to erupt from my lips or for a cry to shook the stillness of the abyss. It's always been like this. I felt like a monster. Like a cold, heartless bitch that lies solemnly on my bed.

It hurts to break a heart. It feels like dying to be left behind. It hurts to lose someone you love. It hurts to be lied upon. It hurts... It hurts... Yes people say it hurts. But then what's more hurting than being the caused of all this pain? I am a cheater. I am a liar. I hunt, I seek and I kill. I Held different hearts in my hand, grasp them for a moment then the next thing it's gone. They despised me for what I am. For the things that I deed. For the promises that I never kept. They cursed me for ruining their dreamS, for throwing it all away to the wind. Like a sinner they damned me. Condemned me. And like a criminal they sentenced me.

That's how the world works for me. That's how cruel life and love has been to me. And then again, when the world turns it's back, night will be the only consolation that I will have. The only escape from their scrutinizing and criticizing eyes. Then I asked again. The questions that they never hear. The words that never left my paralyzed lips.

Do they know how painful it was to broke someone else's heart? They don't even know how it shatters mine. Do they know that every promise that I wasn't able to keep boars a scar to my soul? Like a deep scar that can't be erased by the passing time. I cheat, that's what it is called. That's what they told ME I did. But do they know why? They don't even know that every person that came and go stays within me. Each and everyone, I always long to stay. I've seen the best and worst of all those relationship. All the downs and falls. But none of them seen mine. None of them seem to care. They're hurt, but they never see my pain. Never heard my cry. Never felt my struggles.

I'm always waiting for that day. That someone would finally stay. i'm always seeking for that one person. Where I could came home. Someone I could return to. Not someone that I would run from, but someone that I could run to. I'm not a cheater...I'm just longing for that person who would call me her woman, not someone who would own me like a thing. Each relationship has to end eventually. That's what I believe. Like a book, there would always comes a time when you would reach the final page. No matter how good the story was, you would eventually have to end it and close the book. It's like what Benjamin Button said, no matter how much you hold on to something, when it's time to let go..you have to let go.

Not unless you'll find that one special person that would stick with you even if fate condemns you. Sorry for all the heartbreaks and wasted dreams.. sorry for all the promises. I just needed this. I will always live to see that day when I would finally met the person that would make me cry... The one person that would make me fall for real... Someone who would taught me how it is to really love... Someday.

Mahiyain Post Count : 10 Current Location : v corner

THE LAST OF THE BOYISH GIRLS
We've been friends for the last 9 years. Lindy and i were college schoolmates, she was 2 years ahead of me but it didn't kept us from being friends. We we're bot architecture students, we didn't hang around much then the void after college happened, since then we were stuck with each other. Laine, Lindy, Rae, Che, my sister Eunice and I would often kill time at Lindy's, get plastered over discrete supplies of whatever poison we can get our grubby hands on. we would while away the hours over endless huff and puffs of cheap cigarettes and the occasional cloves. Our bond went even deeper as Albay's punk and metal scene flourished, with Lindy, Laine, Rae and I, the band bitchcraft was born, we played on various gigs, made music on our own. i am proud to say and claim that we are a BOYISH BAND. we are not afraid to pummel and throw ourselves in the storm that is the moshpit. We wear skirts but we are not afraid to climb walls and trees on a moment's notice. We laughed out, we guffaw to our heart's content in public. We are not afraid to give the finger and we can give it to you anytime. Some of us are outspoken, and all of us are opinionated. Sure, we do say please and thank you but we don't give high tolerance to assholes who don't give respect. We demand respect and are not afraid to show it. We don't pull down our pantylines to just about anybody. We don't care if everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend or if we don't have any of those things. We believe that we have options and we have choices. We can't be boxed in with the manic pixies, the Cosmo girls and the slew of men's magazine wet dreams. We are not afraid to look unpretty or glamorous. We are proud to have a vagina and won't act simpery for it. We are the boyish girls and to all those who wants to give us a Grand Charm School makeover, please F*ck off.

Subject: Re: Essays Wed 09 Dec 2009, 10:54 am

I hope that sometime soon we can get away from it all. Just the two of us. Its been so long since we had time to just be alone together. There have been so many schedules to follow, appointments to keep, little details to take care of. But through all these busy times, there's been one thing I've been able to depend on no matter what - YOUR LOVE.

So when we're alone, I will tell you how very special you are to me... and when i run out of words? I'LL SHOW YOU.

This thought just popped into my mind... I'm very much single and I hope that someday, I could say these words to my soulmate.

Subject: Re: Essays Sun 24 Apr 2011, 8:18 am

<CENTER>HINTAY<CENTER>
Dati, napansin ko lang na mabilis akong mawalan ng pasensya sa paghihintay ng sobrang tagal. “Sobra” ibigsabhin lampas pa sa “late”. Yun bang tipong alas otso ang usapan tapos mga alas-diyes darating. Nakakainis mag-antay nang pagkatagal-tagal. Sa CR, sa trapik, sa katagpo mo, sa pila sa kantina, sa jeepney at sa kung saan saan pang hinihintay. Ayoko noon ng nag-aantay kase ayoko rin naman ng nagpapaantay ako sa iba. Isipin mo naman kase, nakakainis kaya yung ganoon. Sabi sabi ng oras tapos biglang mahuhuli ng dating.

Ni hindi ko mawari kung bakit nga ba ganoon ako dati. O.C nga siguro ako noon.

Kung may sariling isip lamang ang mga puno at nakakapagsalita, naiinis rin kaya sila sa kanilang sarili dahil ang tagal tagal nilang hinintay na lumaki at mas tumibay ang kanilang katawan at mga sanga. Eh sa tagal ng pagbunga ng mga bulaklak at prutas? Isipin mo na lamang, “it took more than a decade to grow a tree tapos months to bear fruits and flowers.” (Ingles na yan ah, sabi kase sa google.) Siguro mas higit pa sa pag-aantay at sa haba ng kanilang pasensya ang kinailangan upang hintayin na mas lumaki sila at mas makapamunga ng magagandang bulaklak at prutas. Marahil pag-ibig ang nagtutulak sa kanila na maghintay nang matagal sapagkat alam ng bawat isa kailangan pa ng mas matagal na panahon para maging maayos ang paglaki at pamumunga. Pag-ibig siguro ito ng Diyos (Isinali pa pati si biggest Boss).

Sa kung paanong napasok pati ang puno sa blog na ito, hindi ko rin alam. Wala lang siguro akong maisip na panimula kaya pati puno ay napagdiskitahan ko na.

Seryoso na nga..

Sa totoo lang maraming tanong ang bumabagabag sa akin sa tuwing napag-uusapan ang hintayan. Hanggang saan nga ba ang sukatan ng paghihintay para sa pagmamahal? Lahat nga ba talaga ng klase ng pag-ibig may kalakip na sakit na habang buhay ay uukit sa puso? Maghihintay ka ba sa pagmamahal na alam mong darating din ang araw na lilipas at mapapagod ka rin? At kapag naubos na lahat ng pagmamahal, isama mo na rin respeto mo sa sarili ay nawala na paano mo sisimulang mahalin at irespeto ang sarili mong alam mong naubos na?

Kadalasan maririnig kong payo ng karamihan “Darating din yung para sa’yo,ANTAYIN mo lamang”. Lahat ng bagay sabi nga nila may kanya-kanyang panahon, ang tanging kailangan lang ay ang maghintay. Pero, bakit nga ba natututuhan ng tao ang maghintay? Dahil ba alam nilang nagmamahal sila at para sa kanila ang maghintay ang batayan ng wagas na pagmamahal? Timbangin muna natin ang lahat. Ang maghintay ba'y makatarungan kung ikukumpara mo rin naman ito sa pagmamahal na kahit sobrang sakit na ay patuloy pa rin ang pag-inda?

Kung pipiliin mo ang paghihintay, handa ka bang tanggapin anuman ang maging resulta ng lahat? Paano kung bumalik lamang siya sayo para malaman mong may mahal na siyang iba? Paano kung pagbalik niya alam mong hindi na kayo magiging katulad ng kung ano kayo noon? Paano kung pagbalik niya sayo ay hindi na niya kayang buuin pa ang sarili niya upang maibigay sa’yo ang pagmamahal na hinihingi mo? Paano kung sa hinaba ng paghihintay mo, wala na pala ang pagmamahal? Paano... Paano… Puro paano... Ngayon saka mo tanungin ang sarili mo, makatarungan pa ba ang hinintay mo para sa pagmamahal?

Puro na lang katanungan, puro bakit, paano, hanggang kailan. Sa totoo lang wala naman akong basehan para mailahad ang lahat ng nasa blog na ito puro nga lang tanong at walang patutunguhan. Subalit kung ang pag-ibig o pagmamahal nga ay mas matimbang sa mahabang pagtitiis at walang sawang pagpapasensya, pag-ibig din marahil ang makapagtitiis sa mahabang panahon at walang sawang magpapasensya sa isa pang pag-ibig. Wala naman talagang magdidikta o makapagsasabi kung hanggang saan ba ang pagkupas ng lahat para magkaroon ng katarungan ang paghihintay ngunit baon natin ang pag-asang magiging maayos din ang lahat at makukuha ang pinaka-inaasam.