The Break up
05.21.2011
I was drinking out with my friends last night up to early morning. These past few months have not been easy for me. After almost four years of staying under one roof, you moved out 2 months ago. Last December, you told me that you were searching for yourself and your identity. I had no choice but to let you have your time to think. You gave me a choice whether to break up with you, but I said no. Part of me wanted to wait until you made your decision, and part of me really wanted to die that day. I told you that how I can break up with you until you know for sure. So I gave you time, and stood by your side.
After 1 beer, 1 blow job (the drink of course), 2 kahluas, and 2 mojitos in a span of 3 hours, I was feeling light-headed. My friend and I stepped out of the bar to take a breather, when you sent me a message. "Are you still awake?" I replied, "Yes love, where are you?" You replied back "Can we talk?" At that moment, I felt my heart dropped and my tipsiness has left me. There’s no good thing that comes from a question of “can we talk?”
I called you. You were sobbing. I wanted to wipe away your tears. You told me you can’t do this anymore. The sounds of speeding cars at 2:30 A.M. gave silence as my tears uncontrollably fell. I felt your pain, and at that moment I knew you have made your decision. I apologized for the noise, and you told me to go somewhere, because you cannot handle it anymore and you had to tell me.
“I know I’m not gay. This is not the life I want.”
I was nodding trying to convince myself that this was inevitable. I wanted to assure you, but words just didn’t come by. All else was a blur to me, but we somehow managed to end the call. I texted you if I can still come tomorrow to talk. You said yes.
My friend looked at me with a question mark on his head. She broke up with me. That’s all I could say, and I cried again.
I woke up today without the intention to win you back. I have always prayed for your happiness, and I know this is the rare opportunity to give you that. You will never be happy with me, because I am not a man. I cannot give you a “normal” life. I am not a man. How can something insignificant get in the way of love?
I picked you up. You were looking beautiful. You asked me where shall we go, and I said somewhere. You said yes. At the parking lot inside the car, I looked away from you, for I think I cannot hold it any longer.
You: I’m sorry
Me: It’s okay. Don’t worry. ... Kasalanan ko ba?
You: No, it’s not you. It’s that I’m not gay.
We talked. You told me this is THE valid reason. When we were starting, we made a promise to ourselves that the only reason we will break up is if at least don’t love the other anymore; it wouldn’t be because of our families or the society. A lot has been said today, but I’m glad we didn’t say anything hurtful to each other.
Me: Sorry, I gave you the burden of breaking up with me. (I said this, because I know mahirap sa kanya un. She felt guilty, but was carrying the pain herself). Alam ko naman you were waiting for me to break up with you.
You: Bakit nagstay ka pa kahit masakit na?
Me: Kasi wala akong taong minahal ng ganito.
You cried even more. I offered you some tissue. I love you that time.
You wanted to still be friends. I said “Wag muna. Di ko pa kaya. Masakit pa. Pagmasaya na ulet ako.” I gave you some advice to take care of your heart. I told you to look for someone, who is patient if not more than I am. I told you to look for someone who will love you and sweep you off your feet.
You told me, there will be no other person who would love you the way I love you. Even if you get married, he might hurt you. It was really because you’re not gay.
I nodded. And all I could say is yes and it’s okay.
There was a matter of settling or splitting everything. We agreed that you would drop by in the condo to pick up some things you left, while I’m at a convention out of town. We agreed that you would change your billing address. We agreed to not return the gifts we gave to each other. We agreed. I agreed, because it is what is needed, not really what I wanted. A part of me wants to hold on to those—that part of who loves you...still.
I drove you home. It took me an hour before I could drive to our condo. Tears just kept falling. They would not stop.
I am not angry with you. I am not regretting anything. How could I be? Those four years were the best part of me. I’m sad. Terribly sad. All the things we’ve been through; giving up our work, our families and our friends for this relationship.
I keep on thinking for these past few months, what should I do? What am I doing wrong? Didn’t I make you fall for me every single day? Lahat naman binigay ko, ginawa ko para sa atin. Never naman ako nagalit sayo. Isang sabi mo lang I rush to your side. Isang sabi mo lang, ginagawa ko. Hindi mo na nga kelangan sabihin. But how can it be love if I want to be selfish and keep you to myself? How can it be love if I would make you feel guilty for all the things that I have done? Apparently love is not enough.
And all I could say was don’t worry. It’s okay.
/end
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